i guess this is the only place i can always get back to, even thou i have decided several times not to return, but here i am again. i have just realized that the ‘thought’ being always there has its upsides as well i.e. everything making sense all the time and not making sense too at the same time, it makes you the person you want to be and at the very instant it makes you the person you should be or shouldnt be – even thou, the idea of leaving the idea of “thought” is not only unbearable but also un-imaginable – at the same time it does appear necessary. looking tired, feeling cold and quite sick; ripped around the seams, a life inside the so-called life, and when you wake up in the morning you just wish that you;d have counted more stars the previous night, like something ‘not being there’ which by the way, was never there anyways: and you ask yourself why the hell not!?!?! may be it is just in mirrors!
Lately I have been thinking alot about the “wish phenomenon”, every person has several of them or atleast one of the primes which he or she in one way or the other tries to make it come true. It all starts when you are a child and are ‘inspired’ by something or someone being ultra inspired to /at and you wish for the same or similar; and your wish at that time seems “adorable” to whomever you share it with. While being on the path to fulfill the same wish on your way to youth, the same “wish” becomes inspiring for you giving you the strenght and courage to continue your efforts inorder to make sure that by the time you are stepping out of your teens, you atleast cover the first chapter of your wish list, which has gradually added on to since your very first “wish”.
Times passes by, seasons change, you hop on from college to grad school or even university, open the new doors to a much more practical life and NOW comes the time when you start thinking (or are atleast are made to think) that your same “wish” is something you are forced to label as an “official embarrassment”.
As per a great source “wikipedia” embarrassment is defined as “Embarrassment is an emotional state experienced upon having a socially or professionally unacceptable act or condition witnessed by or revealed to others. Usually some amount of loss of honour or dignity is involved, but how much and the type depends on the embarrassing situation. It is similar to shame, except that shame may be experienced for an act known only to oneself. Also, embarrassment usually carries the connotation of being caused by an act that is merely socially unacceptable, rather than morally wrong.”
Anyways, while on your way through the wheels of time you just reckon that the best thing would be to stop anything and everything that is related to your first “wish”; before it becomes “heart breaking”, and that “instant” in our lives my dear reader, is, THE official moment to embrace the truth and nothing but the only ugly truth!
When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened, but in my dreams, I slew the dragon ?!
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane, I’m just walking in my old footsteps, once again, all around is anger!
And you say, just be here now…… forget about the past, your mask is already wearing quite thin – perhaps it is as good as it can get!
Let me throw one more dice, when I know that I cant win – just waiting for my real life to begin, like swimming in a deep clam sea…. drinking irish tea and travel faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar; watch the sun as it comes up and watch it go down as it does…
Any minute now, my ship is coming in so I’ll keep checking the horizon; And I’ll check my machine, there’s sure to be that call
It’s gonna happen soon, soon, soon, the final hour, may be it’s just that times are lean and its clear for me…
(no copyrights claimed)
No one ever stops wanting but they have to balance what is impossible with what might be possible and try to make sense of their hopes and reality. They haven’t got a lot of hope, it would be unfair if they did. But they do the best with what they have. I mean, we can’t plan everything. Life makes its own plans. Sometimes we let each down; sometimes we fail each other; sometimes we break each other’s hearts; sometimes we leave. and sometimes we come back and sometimes we stick around. or sometimes it’s okay, even if we don’t. things happen and they are hard, too hard. we just get through them. that we are able. clear eyes, full hearts.
clear eyes. full heart. can’t lose.
Barbara Halls once said, “You’re alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative is so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in a single word, not complete sentences.
But to me, it rather sounds like: Look. Listen. ‘Carefully’ Choose and then Act without regret.”
Look: Once you start looking for anything it might not be what you always expect. That’s the first “duzzz” you get while embarking on this journey. You think of chasing some starlight but most oftenly end up with end of life and you aren’t even sure if its worth anymore.
Listen: On you way of your ‘look passage’, there is only one voice that you hear amongst all the other screams and shouts (or for that even just ‘care’ to hear) and you make up a belief that your life is all electrified as never before, conspired to ignite to a max level and that all souls around you die one thousand times just to ensure that you feel alive.
Choose: In between the stages of electrification and LIFE you develop a firm understanding of never letting “it” go since you regard the promises of never fading away, the vows of sincerity, the words of silent pacts, the expressions of hopes with expectations just like the black holes and revelations! For that choice, which by the way is ONCE only, you think that your ship, thou cruising at mystical nautical miles, is taking you far with every step and you question yourself, why is EVERY step I take towards it is the step FARTHER from it? But still you never want to let your choice go from your mind, from your thoughts, from your each and every breath!
Act: Based on your choice, you try to act sufficiently careful, but at the same time the fear in you somehow gets the best of you, you fall in fear when it comes face to face, you stand hold back so that no one can see you with your wounds so deep you just step down and down and down. You think you are breaking away, but the “choice” tells you that it will be the strength you need to NOT break away but you are being pushed away, falling down and the only side you can see across is the “other side”. Now comes the time when you wish for the other side more then your choice, since you have been betrayed, played upon, cheated with, lied to, laughed at and most importantly deceived!
Moral: No one can see what you go through for all this ‘deception’ or even so to speak ‘delusion’ – yet you try to walk, crawl, eat and / or interact in different way – just to have a ‘change’ but my dear friend, it’s the downfall and THE fall which was hinted to you by ‘crystal ball’ but you didn’t ‘want’ to hear or didnt ‘want’ to think about it – based on what? the re-assurances? the established facts and references? which were all lies anways? But now the chapter is bit more scary as how can I change my choice, choice cannot be changed, its like engraved on stone, written and done, and every thing else I think about is just making me believe that now “I am cheating the choice”!!!! when would this all end?! when can i be free?!? I guess the only solution would be to END THIS AWFUL JOURNEY and meet your Lord finally!
Why did we ever come so far ?
I knew I’d seen it all before
Tall building reach up in vain
Tinseltown is in the rain
I know now love was so exciting
Tinseltown in the rain, all men and women
Here we are, caught up in this big rhythm
One day this love will all blow over
Time for leaving the parade
Is there a place in this city?
A place to always feel this way
And hey, there’s a red car in the fountain
Tinseltown in the rain, all men and women
Here we are, caught up in this big rhythm
Do I love you ? Yes, I love you
Will we always be happy go lucky ?
Do I love you ? Yes, I love you
But it’s easy come and it’s easy go
All this talking is only bravado
Oh, Tinseltown, Tinseltown is in the rain
Tinseltown in the rain, all men and women
Here we are, caught up in this big rhythm
Tinseltown in the rain, all men and women
Here we are, caught up in this big rhythm
Tinseltown is in the rain, Tinseltown is in the rain
Tinseltown is in the rain, Tinseltown is in the rain
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Do I love you ? Yes, I love you
Will we always be happy go lucky ?
Do I love you ? Yes, I love you
But it’s easy come and it’s easy go
All this talking is only bravado
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Tinseltown is in the rain, Tinseltown is in the rain
Tinseltown is in the rain, Tinseltown is in the rain
(i was listening to a song, lyrics of which were almost excellent, i claim no copy right of these, but i did change them a little but based on what i was thinking, so my apologies to all die-hard fans of Muse out there!)
Confused with fear, broken down on cold ground with panic in the air: I want to be free, free from myself
From desolation and despair: And I feel like everything I sow, while being a fool to trust on myself
what i sow: is being swept away: Well I refuse to let the thought go, but at the same time am dying to run away from it, my inside is refusing constantly the truth which i held so much dear but it was all FALSE!
I just can’t get it right : CANT get it right, once I do know its totally wrong! while underneath all it was all against me yet I thought to believe what was still wrong —- why?!?!?!
Since I met you : Loneliness be over but, When will this loneliness be over???
flashes before my eyes, sounds in my ears, words in my mind, syntax’s stumbling over my tongue :So scattered and lost
I want to touch the other side : enough with waiting: And no one thinks they are to blame, i want to leave but i am lost and cant seem to break out now
Why can’t we see: That when we bleed, we bleed the same, when we breath, we breath the same, when we walk, we walk the same ground and even we drink the same water!
Loneliness be over: When will this cursed state of thought be over!??!!?
may be its the air I breath, or the ground i walk or even that its the life i live in and may be the only solution would be to get on the other side as soon as I can and as fast as I can without a second thought !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is there a better place to be right now, listening to the crickets’ sounds, outside my window and just wishing it would rain again? Is there a better place to be right now, than in the bed and wishing it to be a death bed?
Closing my eyes, trying to fall into a deep sleep and never get up, to forget about the days, forget about the nights, forget about every second every instant and just about everything?
Heartbroken, Nothing better than to sleep, to forget that it’s i.e. the time has simply ‘gone’ with a mark of “deceive”, and to forget the lies, forget the way?
But I WANT to forget and may be am ready to leave this so called world, Close my eyes; fall to sleep to stop the heart, may be from beating.
I want to block my ears, from hearing the sounds, like your voice, like it sounded to tender, but now even the thought of it kills me, hurts me, and I guess I just don’t want to hear anything, Don’t want to hear the waves, Hitting against the sand, Don’t want to hear the birds, Chirping outside the windows.
Don’t want to even see my own face, and i DONT want anything as I dont think this world has anything remaining to offer me anymore, that has to do with you other then pain and discords, I want to close it all, I want to block away, the world to stop the pain, in my heart. I want my heart to stop beating, to stop bleeding, from your words, your lies or may be from the lie which I perceived and for which I would hate myself for the rest of eternity!!!!
My apologies to all with due respect, as I am also not sure what I am typing up! I think I should just stop stop posting any further!
There’s a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bring me out the dark,
Finally, I can see you crystal clear,
Go ahead and sell me out and I’ll lay your sheet bare,
See how I’ll leave with every piece of you,
Don’t underestimate the things that I will do,
There’s a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bring me out the dark,
The scars of your love remind me of us,
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all,
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,
I can’t help feeling,
We could have had it all, (You’re gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside of your hands, (You’re gonna wish you never had met me),
And you played it to the beat, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
Baby, I have no story to be told,
But I’ve heard one on you and I’m gonna make your head burn,
Think of me in the depths of your despair,
Make a home down there as mine sure won’t be shared,
The scars of your love remind me of us,
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me),
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless,
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me),
I can’t help feeling, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
We could have had it all, (You’re gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside of your hands,
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me),
And you played it to the beat,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
Could have had it all, Rolling in the deep,
You had my heart inside of your hands, But you played it with a beating,
Throw your soul through every open door,
Count your blessings to find what you look for,
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold,
You’ll pay me back in kind and reap just what you’ve sown,
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me), We could have had it all,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), We could have had it all,
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me), It all, it all, it all,
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
We could have had it all, (You’re gonna wish you never had met me), Rolling in the deep, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside of your hands, (You’re gonna wish you never had met me),
And you played it to the beat, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
Could have had it all, (You’re gonna wish you never had met me),
Rolling in the deep, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep),
You had my heart inside of your hands,
But you played it, You played it, You played it, You played it to the beat!!!!!
First of all I must apologize to all of you for not allowing any comments on my blog, as it turned out that I HAD to: more or less NEEDED to but didn’t WANT to.
Why is that we always state a reference as “Heaven and Hell” in any given context and not “Hell and Heaven”? Does it really have to be some arrangement in syllables? Or is it just that we have accepted it to be “as it is” to be used whenever we use it? An absurdly defined concept of Hell probably wouldn’t be all fire, pain, bleed, suffering, regret, burns and eternal torment – that probably is taught us since we start with ability of ‘hearing’ once we are young, inorder to scare the shit out of us so that we don’t do anything bad – ‘bad’ as in what is defined by ‘world’ as bad or may be ‘wrong’ on some levels of humanity, religion or even ethics. But we just hear and never listen!
Thou we are never sure “exactly” what lies on the other side, unless we actually be there but the only problem is that once you are actually there, you can NOT get back. So people just assume what lies on the other side with a ‘classification’ into both kind of possibilities and that too inorder to create a supposedly perfect ‘profile’ for people to follow and meet the defined “ethical demands”.
Hell is may be a “state” where, once we step in OR are forced to step into; then its like: when we need something for ‘certain’ or perhaps a ‘certain’ for something. Once we start moving like a stranger even in the most familiar places, even in your room you feel like far away from home – the phantom being on you, when you care for darkness more then the worst enemy of ‘time’, when you bob in and out of depression at times with no justified reason, when you feel that life is just falling apart, when chaos gives you only hope, when you believe that somethings are worth the patience, when nothing seem to distract you from the pain, when even a simple arithmetic equation appears with a lot of pent up frustration, when you keep telling yourself your willpower is strong yet you break, break and break, when you try to put behind but are helpless with anxiety while nausea-tically tensed once you are pathetically trying to let go and move on, when your brains are weaned and leaves you with rage and anger, and you think you are just “tired of living”; when you do know that “what if’s” and “should have’s” are corrosive and that we need to learn to accept things as they are AND when there is no holistic meaning of life then the concept of ‘meaning’ is just flawed and vague.
While, one the contrary, heaven is most often, referred with an opposite state of concept (as some unknown author said and I cant remember now thou): “anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength”……………….
Nevertheless I guess I am mature enough to gather to true meaning of both the other sides Heaven & Hell (see I don’t why I have placed the former after the later! I think I am ‘Just going with the flow!’ – (magnanimous words thou!!)) but the main point here is, as I have come to realize but not the full extent, is not to embrace it while you are still on this side, although you CAN long for the other side, but not necessary at this time. Just wait for all the nine (or even ten) planets to align perfectly in a single vortex – which happens, as per experts, every five thousand years!
